It was just like any other day in the town of South Hadley. It was starting to get late out, and the common was full of people talking and laughing to at each other, it was like a big JUBILEE was going on. Doodle, Father Paul, and Granny Williams were talking to each other while walking through the common. Then, all of a sudden, a loud scream came from the other side of the common.
Everyone that was in the common rushed over to see what all the commotion was about. It turned out that there was a dead body right at the edge of the common. She was lying right over the dark green grass, and she was lit up by the street light right over head. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, and she was half naked. Everyone was just staring at her, not knowing what to do. When all of a sudden, a cop broke through the crowd of people and blocked off the whole area with yellow caution tape.
Father Paul’s cell phone started to ring; it was his boss. So him, granny, and doodle ran to the nearest park bench, sat down, and hit the back of it three times in a row. They sunk down into the ground like magic, and no one else saw because they were too occupied by the dead body. They were not magic, though, but, they were secret agents.
“Good evening agents,” said q, the boss of the shsaa (South Hadley secret agents association).
“Good evening,” they all answered at once.
“As you already may know, there is a killer in south Hadley. I need you three to investigate as long and as hard as you can, then take him out before he strikes again,” he said. “You will be given all the latest gear, active camo, body armor, listening bugs, guns, basically anything that you will need. And agents please hurry. A killer in South Hadley is not very good for the town reputation.
They got right on it. They went up to the common and started to ask everyone that witnessed it questions, just looking for any INKLING that might allow to find the killer. They kept in touch with each other by using a headset that fit in their ear, so no one could see it. Everything that everyone told them was all the same; she just rose right out of the ground. After all the interigations, they realized that it must have been someone working in the SHSAA.
They went right back to the HQ, and went right to the person that controls the lifts up to the common. His name was mike, and he knew something was up when the three of them approached him. They started to ask him what he was doing when she appeared. He said that he was with his girlfriend on a date, and his girlfriend, another agent, confirmed it. So they were at a dead end.
They could not figure out anyone else that would know how to work the lifts, then, out of nowhere, doodle had a great idea.
“Hey guys, how about q.” he asked. “he has a lot of LEGERDEMAIN to work everything in the entire agency, I mean, he has been here for over 30 years, so he must know. I know it is crazy, but it is the only lead that we have.”
They went right to his office and started to ask him some questions. They gave him an entire ANECDOTE on all their findings of the case. that led to them getting to how they suspected him. then, out of nowhere, he pulled a shotgun out that he had conceled under his desk.
“So, you got it all figured out then, don’t you. I did not think that you would be good enough to discover that it was me. But I won’t have to worry about that, I have a plane ticket to Brittan for tomorrow morning, and I am going to be on it, and there is nothing that you can do.” Then, he shot them all right square in the chest, and he fled to the airport right away. But he forgot one thing; the agents were wearing body armor.
They all got up and rushed to the co boss of the agency. They told him everything that he had told them, and also that he shot them right in the body armor, so it just gave them a bruise. The one thing bad that happened was that doodle died. The shot was too powerful for him. He was thrown into the wall behind him and got a concussion and died.
“Wow. That sounds like a real situation that we have on our hands.” He said. “The first thing that you two should do is get to the airport right away. You can’t let him get away no matter what. He is a murderer, and you know what we do to murderers.”
They got right on it, driving right to the nearest airport. Once there, they searched all the terminals with planes going to Britain. After about one hour of looking, they finally found him. He was walking down the hallway going to the plane. They ran right at him. They caught him right before he got onto the plane. He was like a human BULWARK of muscle; and was also very STALWART. He tried to fight, but the two of them overwhelmed him.
“How did you two not die? I shot you right in the chest with a shot gun shell.” He asked.
“Do you know what body armor is. You suggested it to us.” Father Paul said. He shouted in anger and went with a fight, but he had no chance. They took him right to jail after they left the airport.Then, he got a SUPPLIANT attitude going, but they did not fall for it. They told the police everything, and they took him in and said he was going to be in jail for a very long time.
Everyone that was in the common rushed over to see what all the commotion was about. It turned out that there was a dead body right at the edge of the common. She was lying right over the dark green grass, and she was lit up by the street light right over head. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, and she was half naked. Everyone was just staring at her, not knowing what to do. When all of a sudden, a cop broke through the crowd of people and blocked off the whole area with yellow caution tape.
Father Paul’s cell phone started to ring; it was his boss. So him, granny, and doodle ran to the nearest park bench, sat down, and hit the back of it three times in a row. They sunk down into the ground like magic, and no one else saw because they were too occupied by the dead body. They were not magic, though, but, they were secret agents.
“Good evening agents,” said q, the boss of the shsaa (South Hadley secret agents association).
“Good evening,” they all answered at once.
“As you already may know, there is a killer in south Hadley. I need you three to investigate as long and as hard as you can, then take him out before he strikes again,” he said. “You will be given all the latest gear, active camo, body armor, listening bugs, guns, basically anything that you will need. And agents please hurry. A killer in South Hadley is not very good for the town reputation.
They got right on it. They went up to the common and started to ask everyone that witnessed it questions, just looking for any INKLING that might allow to find the killer. They kept in touch with each other by using a headset that fit in their ear, so no one could see it. Everything that everyone told them was all the same; she just rose right out of the ground. After all the interigations, they realized that it must have been someone working in the SHSAA.
They went right back to the HQ, and went right to the person that controls the lifts up to the common. His name was mike, and he knew something was up when the three of them approached him. They started to ask him what he was doing when she appeared. He said that he was with his girlfriend on a date, and his girlfriend, another agent, confirmed it. So they were at a dead end.
They could not figure out anyone else that would know how to work the lifts, then, out of nowhere, doodle had a great idea.
“Hey guys, how about q.” he asked. “he has a lot of LEGERDEMAIN to work everything in the entire agency, I mean, he has been here for over 30 years, so he must know. I know it is crazy, but it is the only lead that we have.”
They went right to his office and started to ask him some questions. They gave him an entire ANECDOTE on all their findings of the case. that led to them getting to how they suspected him. then, out of nowhere, he pulled a shotgun out that he had conceled under his desk.
“So, you got it all figured out then, don’t you. I did not think that you would be good enough to discover that it was me. But I won’t have to worry about that, I have a plane ticket to Brittan for tomorrow morning, and I am going to be on it, and there is nothing that you can do.” Then, he shot them all right square in the chest, and he fled to the airport right away. But he forgot one thing; the agents were wearing body armor.
They all got up and rushed to the co boss of the agency. They told him everything that he had told them, and also that he shot them right in the body armor, so it just gave them a bruise. The one thing bad that happened was that doodle died. The shot was too powerful for him. He was thrown into the wall behind him and got a concussion and died.
“Wow. That sounds like a real situation that we have on our hands.” He said. “The first thing that you two should do is get to the airport right away. You can’t let him get away no matter what. He is a murderer, and you know what we do to murderers.”
They got right on it, driving right to the nearest airport. Once there, they searched all the terminals with planes going to Britain. After about one hour of looking, they finally found him. He was walking down the hallway going to the plane. They ran right at him. They caught him right before he got onto the plane. He was like a human BULWARK of muscle; and was also very STALWART. He tried to fight, but the two of them overwhelmed him.
“How did you two not die? I shot you right in the chest with a shot gun shell.” He asked.
“Do you know what body armor is. You suggested it to us.” Father Paul said. He shouted in anger and went with a fight, but he had no chance. They took him right to jail after they left the airport.Then, he got a SUPPLIANT attitude going, but they did not fall for it. They told the police everything, and they took him in and said he was going to be in jail for a very long time.
8 comments:
1. The conflict in the story was that there was a killer on the loose and the secret angents had to find him. This makes it external. It was resolved when the protagonists finally caught the murderer. I, quite honestly, was not very invested in the resolution of the story. It didn't really pull me in and make me want to find out what happens at the end. The story could have been much more dramatic if there had been a little more narration and a little less exposition.
2. The protagonists didn't really change much over the course of the story. I suppose that when it was revealed to me that they were secret angents I saw them in a different way because I no longer thought of them as average people. The main epiphany of the story was when Doodle had the realization that the Boss who they'd been talking to so recently was behind all the trouble. This change halped the three main characters catch the murderer and bring him to justice, and without it there may have been a sad ending.
3. My favorite part of the story was in the very beginning when the dead body surfaced because it was very mysterious and I wondered how she'd died. This occurred in the exposition.
"She was lying right over the dark green grass, and she was lit up by the street light right over head. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, and she was half naked."
This little piece was very descriptive, and I could picture the corpse in my mind fairly easily.
4. This tale's best quality was its characters because I would never expect the granny, the priest, and the kid to be secret angents. There are several people from the short stories we've read that could['ve been secret angents, but these characters, I can't really see it, so I thought it was funny that he chose them.
5. The overall theme of the story, I feel, was that no on can be trusted no matter how trustworthy they may seem. This theme unfolds throughout the story first when the secret angents realize that the murderer had to have been someone within their own angency, which sort of puts a twist on it, making it apparent that there is a taritor among them. Then, when the characters find out that it was their boss that had done it, things became really twisted.
6. I think the big thing that the author needs to fix in this story is having a bit more narration and a bit less exposition. I don't feel like I lived the story, I feel like it was told to me.
Wow Ben and you said wow to mine? lol come on. First it starts in a nice time at the commons, somone then dies, and people are secret agents? lol wow Ben just wow lol. It was entertaining but wow ahahaha.
I. The conflict would definatly be that there was a killer threatning the community and the job of the secret agents was to find him. It's most deinfatly external. The conflict was resolved when they caught the killer.
II. The protagonists weren't affected in this story there wasn't anything really threatning them that caused them to change. This means there wasn't really a change in them so the rest of the questions are irelivent.
III. I have to love dead bodies I mean really have you read any of my short stories there is usually some sort of death in it. :) So yeah that was my favorite part. This occured in the exposition. "They sunk down into the ground like magic," I don't know exactly what made this quote stand out to me I just really liked it.
IV. Your very good at describing setting. In the beginning I felt like I was almost at the scene myself.
V. Trust no one. I mean the bad guy was their boss and I don't know about other people but the boss is usually the guy everyone looks up to and he's the bad guy here. The seed is planted when they figure out is was someone in their agency. They probably trusted everyone there so the whole trust no one thign comes into play.
VI. Overall great job Ben! The beginning was a lot of narration but the rest was more exposition try to mix it up a little with some more narration in other places.
Now that I went and read Whelihans quotes. I agree with almost everyting he said so listen to him. *points at*
The conflict was there was a killer and the agent had to capture him. It was external and it was resolved by the iiller getting caught. i liked the resolution because it ended the story quite nicely. The protagoninst didnt really change over time. since he was a secret agent he had to be different. My favorite part was with the dead body because it reminded me of how csi starts off and i like that show.
"She was lying right over the dark green grass, and she was lit up by the street light right over head. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, and she was half naked."
I picked this line because it was nicely described and it displayed a picture of the body in my mind. The best quality was the characters because secret agents are cool like that. I agree with kyle on the theme of the story because no one can really be trusted (unless you know them well enough) And u also need more nararation.
Authors Notes
1) i would like my reader to get a lot out of this paper. i would like them to think that not everyone that you know is good, some are bad. One message that i was trying to get across was trust no one. and it is true in this story
2) i think that i flow from one event to the other very well. i don't think that any of my sentences are chopy or anything, so i think that i did a good job overall.
3) the problems that i encountered while writing this paper was putting all the vocab words into the story. i thought that was the most difficult part of writing this story.
4) i really don't have any questions about my paper. i think it would be good if people wrote where i could put vocab words. also, i would like you to comment on my writing style.
Four Questions Thing
1) the greatest change that i have made from my first draft to my final copy was the detail. i added more expository writing, so i am not telling the story, i am making the reader feel like they are witnessing it right in front of them.
2) the editing process that i found the most helpful was reading and re-reading my essay. after reading it a few times, i caught errors that i did not catch before. that really helped and made my story a lot better.
3) i think that my short stories greatest strength is my description. i believe that i described everything in the story to the best of my abilitys, and i think that that is very good.
4) i would advise them to try to add in the vocab words while they are writing the story. it was harder for me to put them in after i had written the entire story. also, to proof read, because like i said, it helped me a whole lot.
Vocab Words That I Used
Bulwark- (N) solid wall like structure. i used it on how the boss, Q, was so big, like a human wall.
Stalwart- (Adj) storng. what the word means as i used it in my story is just strong. like how storng Q is.
Jubilee- (N) celebration. what this word means in my story is a celebration. how the commons was at night.
Suppliant- (Adj) humble, seeking forgiveness. in my story, this word is used when Q is caught, and he is trying to be nice and humble for killing a girl.
Inkling-(N) hint or clue. this word is used when the agents are looking for any little inkling to help them find out who killed the girl.
Legerdemain-(N) desplay of skill. this word is used when doodle is suggesting Q for killing the girl, because of his legerdemain in working everything in the agency.
Anecdote-(N) short description. this word is used when the agents are giving Q a short description of their findings from interigating all the people in the commons.
Nice story Ben...
I. The conflict is that there is a person killing people and he needs to be found before its too late. The conflict is external. The conflict is resovled by the killer being caught. I think the story could of been more dramatic. I felt like it was lacking something.
II. The characters didnt change over the course of the story. They stayed the same the whole time so i cant answer the rest of the question.
III.My favorite part of the story was when they found the body. This took place in the exposition. I liked this because it was just so unexpected. You didnt really see it coming."She was lying right over the dark green grass, and she was lit up by the street light right over head. She had cuts and bruises all over her body, and she was half naked. Everyone was just staring at her, not knowing what to do." i absolutly loved this part. i could imagine everything and i loved how it put the picture in my mind and i could understand what everyone was seeing.
IV. The best quality in the story was description. he did a great job just making you see what he was trying to get across and that was just so enjoyable i absolutly loved how he explained everything in such detail.
V. The stories theme is to dont trust anyone. This is shown by the killer being someone in the secret agency and then it ended up being their boss so they thought they knew someone and they really didnt. Dont trust anybody.
VI. The only revise i can give you is just reread it a couple times and then see if there is a spot where spice could be added. I think you did a good job overall though.
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